This week, Ace Reddit user cakeandcats2 has a questions the appeal in trying to understand Dead Bedrooms
“I can’t understand r/DeadBedrooms
Reddit recommended me this out of nowhere, curious as I am, I went to take a look and OMG. Most of the posts there disgusts me a lot and I really can’t understand people. Like wtf how can this be such a big problem???? How can this be above love???? I also don’t get the idea of working out this problem, like I hate beans but my bf don’t and it’s f**king fine. Instead we find meals that we both like! I know this is a thing to allo people, just wanted to know if anybody else feels like me btw.” – u/cakeandcats2
I’m sure there are lots of people who feel the same way as you and rather than leave you scratching your head I want to offer an explanation.
So a lot of the problems in a ‘dead bedroom’ are that they were once (happily) sexually active relationships, but without warning, much explanation as to why the sex has stopped or effort being put into alternative intimacy building activities, the partner is left feeling insecure, confused and alienated from their partner. This is because the issue isn’t necessarily the lack of sex itself, but that the validation sex within that relationship once gave them has evaporated.
For some, a ‘dead bedroom’ scenario uncovers bigger issues; their partners own lack of communication and empathy skills, undiagnosed depression/other mental illness, a dried up romance between them and their partner that is waiting to be ignited, a signifier of a relationship that simply lacks effort or in some cases, infidelity.
Think of it another way. If you were to swap sex with say… watching a movie with a friend. Every few weeks, the two of you would go to the movies. It’s been like this for years. Suddenly, one day they no longer want to go. It’s fine. You try again a few weeks later. Still nothing. This cycle goes on for a few months and yeah, you’ve been watching a movie yourself but it’s not quite the same. You want to talk with them about the movie or make references but it’s no use. They just won’t get it or find it funny. It’s a lonely time.
So people start telling you to go to the movies with someone else. You could, but that would mean you’ve given up on wanting the original person to come and if they found out you went with someone else, it could be hurtful towards them. Plus, you know it wouldn’t be the same. The new person might have different movie tastes to you or bad movie etiquette. It’s not worth the effort or the risk.
So you go back to your original movie partner and tell them how you feel about not going to the movies with them. One of a few answers is given: They no longer like going to the movies, You simply keep asking them at the wrong time to go, You were the horrible movie buddy and things need to change or they’ve been going to the movies with someone else.
If you wish to have a question featured in Sunday Submissions, you can fill out the contact form on our Contact Page, email us to email@example.com or send us a message on reddit u/GoingOnADate